South Camp MDF Changes Proposed!

At the NC Dining Hall Meeting, a number of matters were raised and the following information is passed on to you:  Please insure that all staff and soldiers are aware of the upcoming changes:

Due to the high cost of food worldwide, and the weak US Dollar, all MFO members will now be required to eat every other day.  Additional snacks, candy, and ice cream will be available for purchase at the FX.

Because of delays in receiving food from vendors, both camps will be required to keep live cattle on base.  Additional duties for caring for, feeding, cleaning, andall animal husbandry will now be handled by the duty platoon from each line troop.  Animal husbandry will be especially necessary , and special needs soldiers (blue-balls) will be at the head of the line for this duty.  This should also reduce the strain on other HHT personnel who have been actively helping our special needs population to date.

Finally, a program allowing cannibalism will be instituted.  The initial choices for sacrifice will be soldiers on the weight control and remedial PT programs, as they will provide the tastiest limbs and other organs. 

We hope you enjoy these changes!!

  

New SRS System Now In Place

Breaking News:    Dateline: South Camp, MFO  26June2008

Members of the Pentagon Staff, in response to the outrageous (really outrageous) attack on Sergeant Burrows (A Troop) by the now deceased “Petey”, have developed and deployed a new countermeasure in the fight against aquatic threats at Herb’s Beach.  The SRS system now in place will protect our soldiers during all phases of Water Survival Training.  This new, highly sophisticated system will make water sports safer and more enjoyable for all.  Fast, simple deployment of the system pictured to the right will allow our lifeguards to accurately detect any predatory creature well before it attacks.  The lifeguards simply place the bait in the center of the ring and when it goes missing, they sound the alarm to clear the water.

“Many of our soldiers here will benefit from this new advance in technology,” says a high ranking member of the MFO staff.

According to the Lifeguard Staff, “The SRS will remain in place near the 4^th bouy, in order to ensure the safety of our soldiers.”  When asked if there was any concrete data that proved the system’s effectiveness, a Cavalry First Sergeant stated, “Who cares? It works, or it doesn’t. Either way, it gets a lot more peaceful around here.”

Further tests will be conducted by activating the system at night and by adding large buckets of chum to the immediate area around the system.

Papal Blessing for Toilet Paper!

In a highly unusual display of cooperation and advocacy, the Pope has read and given his official  blessing too the MFO Toilet Paper.  Under this blessing he stated that “I’ve heard some terrible, vicious rumors lately that the award-winning staff of the Toilet Paper is considering calling it quits.  I hope this isn’t true.  You have been a huge boost to (USBATT) morale since the first issue.”  We here at the TP would like to thank the Pope for his generous support and words of encouragement.  With that in mind, we are pleased to announce that the planning stages of passing this forum on to MFO 52 have already started.  There is also talk of a line of breakfast cereals, over-the-counter nutritional supplements, action-figures, and limited edition belly button lint collectors.  We here at the Toilet Paper hope to also start a line of deodorants and hair care products that are worthy of our good name.  Thank you for all of your support during MFO 51!

  

"Petey" Attacks at Herb's Beach

During water safety training for the month of June, there was a tragic incident.  While trying to “dead-man-float”, Sgt Burrows of Troop A was viciously attacked by “Petey” the Shark.  Petey was able to clamp down on Burrows midsection and wrestle him under the water.  Fighting for his life, while the sting-rays and eels danced around his head, Burrows was able to kick Petey in the pancreas and force his mouth open.  Burrows quickly extricated himself from the massive jaws of the silver-tipped shark and begin to swim away.  Dazed from this mighty blow, but unwilling to allow his lunch to slip away, Petey countered with a massive tail swipe to Burrow’s cranium.  The powerful tail grazed Burrow’s noggin and left the soldier dis-oriented and floundering inthe break at Herb’s Beach.  After gaining his composure, Burrows quickly sprang on top of the water and proceeded to sprint to the beach on top of the water.  Screaming like a little girl, Burrows escaped with only minor injuries.  Petey was not so lucky!!  The shark had sustained massive internal hemorrhaging and quickly succumbed to his lack of blood.  He was dragged to shore by our gallant lifeguard crew, picked up by our MDF staff, and without a second thought, was processed and turned into a main course for our financially strapped Mess Hall.  The real tragedy of the incident was that now Petey’s children are fatherless and will have to let their mother teach them to hunt for food.  Please help them by swimming more at the beach and volunteering for chum duty!!   - Spc Snyder

  

S-1 Breaks into the Art Scene in Sharm!

Let’s hear it for ART 101!

The MFO Toilet Paper would like to publicly recognize the beauty and imagery of the artwork that is now on display at our S-1 Shop.  This image really says it all!  Thanks for finally finding an image worthy of your sacrifice and dedication to this mission.  Duff anyone!!

  

Classified Ads

Like new, 2005 Chevy Twelve-Passenger van.  Only driven to temple once a week.  New  28” Chrome Rims and some cool decal work on each door.  Drive Right can be disabled and can be equipped with an optional main gun mount.  Contact Hymie Schwartz for details.  Will accept sheckles or will trade for used Humvee or Silverado.  Meet at McD’s.